Coming out of numbness

Coming out of numbness. What the fuck does that even mean? When we go through a period of intense emotional exertion and purging, our bodies and minds need time to recover. I won’t cite a text in support, but can tell you from a series of traumatic life-altering impulsive decisions passed, and from my current emerging circumstance, that loss and grief are real. It’s numbing. And surprisingly it’s noticeable; but only to those closest to you (and even this might surprise you).

Just because you’re a yogi doesn’t mean you don’t have hiccups (figuratively or literally). I make a lot of mistakes. I look back on my day and wonder if I came off differently than I intended. I’m insecure and cautious. But, being a yogi means that I walk through my day knowing that at the bottom of it all, there is a net to catch me. That I am someone who is just as important (and equally insignificant) as every other human being. I am valuable, I have a contribution to make. It’s a foundation in my heart that goes beyond friends and families, and formalities. In darkness, it’s easy to get lost; but the Self is a cheerleader, teacher, wise man and friend. The voice inside that says, “This will get better.” “Hang on a little longer.” The change in my life has been incessant for over three years now. From job to job to grad school to job, the only consistencies in my life – friends and relationships – have also largely dissipated. So there comes a time when we question ourselves; did I make the right decisions? To trust, to go forth, to give our energy in this particular direction?

I don’t regret a single decision I’ve made, because at that moment I thought it was the right one.

So, either I live with the consequences or I stay true to my impulses, perhaps revealing another side of myself. Life is about this journey, of mistakes and folly. Our only job in life is to follow it.

That’s where I’m devoting my attention now, to my present ever-evolving circumstance. With an awareness that a flow to life exists which I have no power over. Like a current, it sweeps us through life at its leisure, pulling against our selfish attempts to disembark, to choose our own direction driven by mind and matter rather than by heart (intuition). Taping into that foundation – the one I cultivate and continually find through the repetition of daily meditation – gives me a place to go, to remove myself from outside pressures to reside in nothing. It’s also in their songs, have you heard? Listen. The Beatles, John Lennon, Paul Simon, Bob Dylan to name a few. When we give up ourselves to creativity in any form, we give our minds over to the current trajectory of our lives. In Buddhism, this is called “right knowledge.”

Sometimes I find it difficult to reign it in, as they say, when my mind expands to a point of all-encompassing awareness. I can feel the cries abroad and here at home in my heart. And I know many others share this gift and torture. What can we do? Love our neighbor despite themselves. Be true to your values, and if you need inspiration google the Yamas and Niyamas; every religion hits upon these tenants in some form. No matter what you call them, they’re useful and important.

So that’s the take away. And in the meantime we will continue to explore what it is to emerge from numbness and isolation; regardless of your outward persona. Whenever you doubt, question or fear, know it is not you. We all suffer from the same vices, and the only way to emerge gracefully is to move harmoniously.

x Amy

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